The 10 Dumbest ‘Star Wars’ Figures Ever Made
‘Star Wars‘ figures are as much of a childhood staple as Mr. Potato Head and View Master reels. So with a seemingly endless array of new ‘Star Wars’ products in our immediate future thanks to the upcoming movies, the time seems right to reflect upon the saga’s impact on toy aisles everywhere. You may still have a warm place in your heart for your old Chewbacca and Darth Vader action figures, but what about those ones that didn’t exactly spark the fires of imagination? Let’s examine these misfit toys with this look at the 10 dumbest ‘Star Wars’ figures ever made.
Han Solo With Smuggler Flight Pack
Forget the “Han Shot First” controversy — a bigger problem is this deluxe figure that gave everyone’s favorite smuggler a stupid jetpack. Suddenly he’s too good for the Millennium Falcon? We’d like to see him try to make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs with this ridiculous piece of machinery crushing his back. Hopefully the rebels have a good chiropractor.
‘Star Tours’ Officer
Disney’s ‘Star Tours’ attraction also spawned merchandise of its own, including the requisite action figures. While most of these are fun recreations of various robots, there remains one that is utterly inexplicable: The ‘Star Tours’ Officer.
Nothing more than a repaint of one of Hasbro’s Imperial Officer figures, this release is a plastic representation of the bright color-wearing Disney employees who assist guests at the theme parks. Here’s an experiment: give one of these to a kid expecting a Darth Vader and marvel at how quickly the tantrums commence.
Look out ladies, Darth Maul’s brother is shirtless and waiting for you. Rawr!
The Phantom Menace’s food vendor who looks like an albino version of the Chinese Wild Man from ‘Big Trouble in Little China’ had a mass-produced figure before rebel hero Wedge did. If this doesn’t prove that the priorities at Hasbro are deeply out of whack, nothing does.
Chewbacca in Bounty Hunter Disguise
Set between the events of ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ and ‘Return of the Jedi,’ the 1996 multimedia project ‘Shadows of the Empire’ followed our heroes (joined by low-rent Han Solo surrogate Dash Rendar) as they tried to retrieve Han from the clutches of Boba Fett/Jabba the Hut. Oh yeah, there was also a new villain in the form of Prince Xizor and he sported a space ponytail! Whee!
As you can see from the photo above, Chewbacca fared especially badly in the ‘Shadows’ action figure line, which finds him posing as the bounty hunter Snoova. Sporting a Kid ‘n Play-inspired flattop, some fancy armor and a cyberpunk eye patch, this Chewie figure looks like it was designed by a semi-concussed William Gibson. Unbelievably, he wasn’t the worst Shadows of the Empire figure. That dubious honor goes to…
Shadows of the Empire Comic Pack Princess Leia
She’s a maniac … maniac … with the Force! The most egregious attempt to cash in on the 1980s fitness craze since Snoopy went all ‘Flashbeagle‘ is the Leia figure that comes exclusively in a Star Wars two-pack. Clearly when not trying to save the galaxy from Imperial tyranny, Leia likes to throw on a headband and a turquoise track suit and sweat to the oldies. Does the Max Rebo band even know any Irene Cara songs?
When you think of the holidays, what’s the first thing that springs to mind? Gifts? Yep. Crippling debt? Sure. Awkward passes at people who will never love you back underneath the mistletoe? Absolutely. Droids without pants who want to give you the gift of their, uh, “goldenrod”? Not so much.
Princess Leia (aka Monkey Leia)
Fans were so psyched by the fact that there were finally new Star Wars figures available in 1995 after a nearly decade-long drought that they were willing to overlook the fact that the sculpts seemed more appropriate for WWE grapplers than Luke, et al. Those just coming to grips with Han and Luke’s newfound HGH addictions couldn’t even begin to cope with what had happened to Leia, whose figure looked like the result of a teleportation accident involving Carrie Fisher and Caesar from ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes.’
Hideous facial issues aside, one cannot get over how diesel this version of Leia is, as if she were looking to start a one-woman revival of G.L.O.W. Even though Hasbro eventually got her likeness right in subsequent figures, this attempt remains a favorite punchline amongst collectors.
Kids everywhere could pretend that they were using the Space Dewey Decimal System with this action figure replica of ‘Episode III’s’ Chief Jedi Librarian, Jocasta Nu. Now we don’t know why any toy collector would want to own this Betty White lookalike, but, amazingly enough, Jocasta here came into existence because she was the winner of Hasbro’s “Galactic Hunter Fan’s Choice” poll. In other words, Star Warriors brought this misery on themselves.
Did you know that there was a creature in Jabba the Hutt’s palace that hung on the walls and licked people? Us neither, but thanks to the folks at Hasbro we have a figure of him. Wol was originally offered up in a three-pack that also included a frog-looking alien and a spider-thingy that had a brain in a jar. Both of those are way cooler than Wol, a figure that exists solely to lick your other action figures.
Wol exists either for the most OCD of Star Wars fans who will not rest until they own plastic doppelgangers of every creature who—no matter how fleetingly—appeared on screen or creeps who get turned on by this sort of thing. (See Rule 34). We think the fact that this creature’s name includes two filthy words pretty much sums it up. (Look closely, you’ll see them.) Wouldn’t you agree?